"But the nanny lets me!" How to keep rules the same with every caregiver
Write three house rules in kid words, plus one calm down move, on a single page, and give that same page to every grownup who watches your child. Keep the wording identical so your child hears the same sentence from everyone. Then let your child teach the rules to each new sitter.
"But Maria lets me!" If you've heard that one, you know how it goes. The nanny, the grandparents, the date night sitter and preschool each run their own version of the rules, and kids are brilliant at finding the gaps.
Why do kids push harder with some caregivers?
Because they're learning what works with each person, which is smart of them! When the grownups respond differently, a kid learns to test each one separately. Studies on caregivers who disagree about parenting link that gap to more behavior problems (NCBI, parenting style discrepancy study). Same words from everyone closes the gaps.
How do I write house rules a child will remember?
- Keep it to three. Pick the three that cause the most arguments in your house. Screens, snacks, and bedtime are the usual winners.
- Write them in kid words. "Tablet goes to sleep when the timer beeps" is easier to remember and repeat than "limit screen time to 30 minutes."
- Say what to do. "Feet on the floor" works better than "no climbing on the couch," because it tells them where their feet go.
- Add one calm down move. Every caregiver gets the same one. We like belly breathing because it works from age 2 and needs nothing.
How do I get grandparents and sitters on board?
Hand them the page instead of a speech. A one page sheet is easy to stick on a fridge, easy to text, and easy for a new sitter to read in two minutes. Grandparents often relax the rules because it's their special time, and that's okay for small treats. Ask them to keep the three rules and the calm down move the same, and let the rest be grandma's house.
What's the fastest way to teach a new sitter the rules?
Let your child teach them. Kids love being the expert, and teaching something helps you learn it, researchers call this the protégé effect (Chase et al. 2009). "Can you show Sam our three house rules and how we do balloon breaths?" turns a handoff into a game, and your child hears the rules one more time, in their own voice.
What goes on the one page sheet?
- The three house rules, in kid words
- The calm down move, with the steps written out
- The one sentence everyone uses in a hard moment, like "You feel mad. Let's do one balloon breath together."
- Nap and bedtime cues (the yawn, the ear pull, whatever your kid does)
- What your child likes to hear when they did something hard: "You kept trying!"
Update it when things change. Every new nanny or sitter starts from the same page instead of from scratch, and you don't have to keep it all in your head.
Quick questions
Should grandparents follow the same rules as parents?
For the few rules that matter most, yes. Many families keep three core rules and one calm down move the same everywhere, and let grandparents have more freedom with small treats and special traditions.
How do I get my nanny and sitters to follow the same rules?
Give every caregiver the same one page sheet with three house rules in kid words, one calm down move, and the one sentence everyone uses in a hard moment, and keep the wording identical.
How many house rules should a young child have?
Three is a good number for young kids. Fewer rules are easier to remember, repeat and keep the same across caregivers.